Zuko's Diary
by Vehicle Sunshine
Summary: Zuko's Very Manly Diary.
1. Zuko's ManDiary

-sigh- I really don't want to call him...  
Ziggy: I'll do it!  
-hands Ziggy the phone- You have a death wish, my sugar high friend.

Zuko: DAMMIT, HOW DID YOU GET MY NEW CELL NUMBER?  
Ziggy: Zuko, Mo needs you to come back right away. -He was on vacation in Hawaii-  
Zuko: ... You are kidding, right?  
Ziggy: She's faxing the tickets as we speak. Also, she says you need to be back by chapter two or she'll put your head on a spike.  
Zuko: Is it that time of the month already?  
Ziggy: ... She says get your cracker self back home or you won't get another vacation till she's forty.

Chazz: -sigh- I'll be free of this soon... Mo does not own anything. Except our souls...  
Ayame: -claps- WONDERFUL! And let us begin on... -flips through Zuko's diary- page 17...

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

Stupid Avatar got away AGAIN! I will DESTROY HIM! Maybe... I can get like a net or something. Like... A lead net. And then, I CAN STAB HIM! WITH MY STABBING FORK!

... Where's my stabbing fork? STABBY? WHERE ART THEE?

Eh, I'll find it eventually. Probably under my bed. Damn, I need to clean my room. There's candle wax and wads of paper EVERYWHERE!

... Hey, here's my stabbing fork! It was in my other pants! YAY!

Well, I'm off. Going to go make a net!

XOXO,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Uncle got mad at me for melting all the doorknobs on the ship. IT WAS FOR THE NET, DAMMIT! But, I think he's really just mad because I threw his stupid lotus tile over a waterfall.

I bought him a new set of tiles. Because I'm such a good nephew.

Today, I met a girl. I think she's the Avatar's wench or something. He's totally tapping that ass... Hell, I know that he's twelve! Twelve year olds can get it on! MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT!

Of course, it has come to my attention that many more people believe that I should bed the Water Tribe wench.

Um, ew.

First of all, I am of the Fire Nation. I am sooooo much better than her. She doesn't even deserve to marry THE DIRT I WALK UPON!

Second, she's the Avatar's wench. She lives in the Brothel of Avatar, not the Brothel of Zuko.

And defiantly not the Brothel of that little Water Tribe Boy. _You people make me sick._

Hm, I wonder if Zhao has a girlfriend... He must have kids or something. I mean, he's like forty. Why haven't I ever asked? Damn, we've been bitter enemies for years now, and all I know is that his favorite color is green and that he loves Water Tribe women.

OH SNAP! I bet he married the Water Tribe wench! SCANDAL!

Maybe Uncle will tell me...

Luv,

Zuko, HIGH AND MIGHTY RULER OF THE WORLD!

0

Dear Dairy... I mean Diary... I MEAN FRED,

It turns out Zhao has a wife and three kids. _Lame._

You know what else is lame? My name. For now on, I am SUKEKIYO! I AM...

CATMAN!111one

Wuv,

CATMAN!111one

0

Dear Fred,

Uncle refuses to call me CATMAN!111one. Something about copyright infringement. DAMMIT UNCLE, DON'T YOU KNOW THE RULE? Don't use words that contain more than two syllables around me. Duh.

I luv me. I'm so hot, all the fangirls love me! Even with this horrible scar. CHARACTER DEPTH, DAMMIT!

... I need a hug. WHY DIDN'T YOU HUG ME, DADDY? CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME LIKE YOU LOVED ALL THOSE STRANGE WOMEN THAT YOU BROUGHT HOME AFTER MOMMY WENT TO THE STORE? DID SHE GET ME FISHSTICKS, DADDY? NOT THOSE BAD STORE BRAND ONES, THE ONES WITH THE FISHERMAN ON THE BOX? AND THE POPTARTS? AND THE BANANA SOAP? WHY DON'T YOU BUY ME PRETTY THINGS? AZULA GOT PRETTY THINGS! I WANT A PRETTY RED DRESS FOR THE BALL TOO!

... I need to go take my happy pills...

-sigh-,

Zuko the Unloved

0

Dear Fred,

Papa, can you hear me?  
Papa, can you see me?  
Papa can you find me in the night?  
Papa are you near me?  
Papa, can you hear me?  
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?

Looking at the skies I seem to see  
A million eyes which ones are yours?

Where are you now that yesterday  
Has waved goodbye  
And closed its doors?

The night is so much darker;  
The wind is so much colder;  
The world I see is so much bigger  
Now that I'm alone.

Papa, please forgive me.  
Try to understand me;  
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?  
Can you hear me praying,  
Anything I'm saying  
Even though the night is filled with voices?

I remember everything you taught me  
Every book I've ever read...  
Can all the words in all the books  
Help me to face what lies ahead?

The trees are so much taller  
And I feel so much smaller;  
The moon is twice as lonely  
And the stars are half as bright...

Papa, how I love you...  
Papa, how I need you.  
Papa, how I miss you  
Kissing me good night...

... Hm, this tea Uncle gave me _did _taste a little funny...

Lo...

0

Dear Fred,

So, Uncle decided to reveal my dark past to the crew.

He also told a fisherman.

A saleswoman.

Everyone at the port.

And this weird bald guy who kept muttering "This will make me rich!"

Hm... I wonder what the Avatar's up to?

Hugs and kisses,

Zuko a.k.a CATMAN!111one

0

Dear Fred,

THAT SON OF A PROSTITUTE ZHAO CAPTURED THE FREAKING AVATAR!

Hells naw! Now I have to go KUNG FU JITSU NARUTO just to get MY MAN BACK!

... Tee hee, I called the Avatar my man. Tee hee.

Anyways, I SO kicked some ass back there. And I rescued the Avatar. Then he rescued me! For that, I am slightly grateful.

But then he was all like "OMFG BESTEST BUDDIES!", and I was all like "UH, NO! YOU DIE NOW!" And then he jumped away like a wittle monkey.

But, I am SO SICK of where I put my Fire Nation tapestry! Soooo ugly. I turn my back to it! SEE, I'M TURNING MY BACK!

I wuv uuuu,

Zuzu


	2. NOT GAY!

Hmph. I think Zuko IS gay!  
Zuko: I'M BAAAACK!  
... I mean gay in a very good way... DON'T KILL ME!  
Zuko: What's this you're writing... OH MY (INSERT DEITY OF CHOICE)! WHO GAVE THIS MADWOMAN MY DIARY?  
Ayame: -whistling- What? I didn't do it.  
Ziggy: Not me, but I wish I did...  
Chazz: Would I ever help Mo?  
Adam: I'm stuck in the medicine cabinet... HELP!  
Zuko: That leaves... RICK!... RICHARD!  
Rick: Yeah, I did it. YOU didn't bring me on your vacation...  
Zuko: ... Oops. I'm sorry, Ricky.  
AW! You two should kiss and make out!  
Rick: ... Don't you mean kiss and make up?  
No. No I don't.

Zuko: Hm, it's kinda good to be back and doing disclaimers.  
Rick: We all missed you, Zuzu. Chazz was being such a pain while you were gone.  
Zuko: Well, Mo does not own anything. Except this lovely CAN OF COKE!

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

Today, I met a girl. She dressed in leather and smelt like sake. I didn't like her, but Uncle seemed rather fond of her. He's a cradle robber from way back.

Also, I got some booty today. YOU HEAR ME OUT THERE? I'M NOT GAY AFTER ALL!

... Icky! I have to go wash my hands! THEY ARE DIRTY!

Luv,

Zuko Teh l33t Overlord

0

Dear Diary,

SHIP GO BOOM! YAY!

Anyways, I'm in hiding on Zhao's ship. Did you know that there's Bingo on Fridays? And weekly mixers? Damn, maybe that's why my crew left so willingly...

AND I HAVE DENTAL NOW! Life is getting very good for Zuko!...

I was thinking of dying my hair red and renaming myself again. Hitokiri Battosai. Sounds nifty, eh?

-Heart- -Heart- -Heart- Luv -Heart- -Heart- -Heart-,

Zuzu .

0

Dear Diary,

Ding Dong, Zhao is dead.

Which old Zhao? The wicked Zhao.

Ding dong the wicked Zhao is DEAD!

Incase you are stuuuupid, Zhao died today. Which makes me a very happy Hitokiri Battosai. Also, there was this pretty girl with white hair. Meow, she could join the Brothel of Zuko anytime!

Well, I guess I'll just float here with Uncle for a bit...

Wuvvels,

Zuzu

0

Dear Fred,

Azula came to visit today. She said I could come home. It may of seemed like I believed her, but it was all a DIABOLICAL PLOT! TO GET BACK MISTER MITTENS, MY STUFFED POODLE!

Oh, how well my plan worked.

After I had finished running for my life, I cut off my hair, giving myself a nice little hair yarmulka. It sort of explains my choice of song in one of my earlier entries...

I wonder what Azula be plotting...

HUGGLES,

Zuzu (Totally manly nickname)

0

Dear Diary,

OH MY DEITY! Damn... Ladies and gents, we have a new arrival at the Brothel of Zuko!

SONG! Which reminds me of SONG LEE; The totally hot Asian babe from the Horrible Harry series. Hm, I miss books like that. Daddy burned all of my good books and made me read books about HORROR and DEATH!

Some were ok, but others made me cry.

OXXO,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Do you think I'd have a smaller fanbase if I had a large neon green afro? I'm starting to tire of these mobs of teenage girls who want to make love to me constantly...

I'm not gay.

-heart-,

Ecnirp Okuz

0

Dear Diary,

Stealing from innocent people is fun.

OH NOES! Uncle found out my EVIL PLOT TO STEAL CRAP! Well, time to drop the old guy...

Finally, I'm on my own. All by myself... No. More. Singing.

Ever.

Luv,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I met a little boy today. He was cool, until you know... He started to hate me... Why, I ask you? It's not like I'm any different from him?

I AM NOT A MONSTER! I AM A HUMAN BEING! A MAD SEXY HUMAN BEING, BUT A HUMAN BEING NONE THE LESS!

Hm, can you add a male to a brothel if you're not gay...

Not Gay,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

You know who's gay? Haru's gay. I'm not. He is.

Learn it. Live it. Deal with it.

Wuv,

Zuzu

0

Dear Diary,

Greeeaaaat. I leave Uncle alone for a FEW EPISODES, and he goes and nearly dies? I mean, WTF mate? And since when did Azula learn how to pull a Houdini?

WHO THE HELL IS THAT BLIND GIRL? WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING?

ARGH,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

It's fun to stand on a mountaintop and emo. Passes the time real good.

But honestly, who gives a crap about the other nations? Hell, I'll go make my OWN NATION!

It will be called Zuko World, where all your dreams can come true! And there will be no mean sisters, abusive daddies, air head Avatars, ungrateful citizens, evil wenches, or glomping fangirls! It will be... paradise...

Oh, and no jackass bratty kids who happen to be called Lee. They can all go to HELL!

Very Angsty and Emo,

Zuko

p.s: I'm going to go fine Lee's brother. Then I'm gonna stab him with Stabby, the stabbing fork. It'll feel real good and my soul will be at rest.

p.s: I'm hot. Real hot. I LOVE ME! In fact, I'm gonna go hug myself! And then I'm gonna buy a snow cone!


	3. POPTARTS!

CRAP!  
Ziggy: What?  
I'm outta Avatar episodes! Crap!  
Ziggy: Why don't you just wing it? People read this for entertainment, not for insightful parodies.  
Chazz: I wonder if people read this...  
Adam: If they are, I wonder if they know who I am...  
Ayame: Pickles...

Zuko: Is it my job to do the disclaimers or something?  
Rick: Yep.  
Zuko: -sigh- Mo does not own anything. She's poor. Brown trash, actually.  
Rick: ... She's going to smite you...  
Zuko: BRING IT ON!

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

I'm Lois Lane.

Love,

Lois Lane, a.k.a Superman's Wench

0

Dear Diary,

Still wondering who the hell that blind broad is.

Do you think she's the Avatar's girlfriend? I mean, they must be the same age. And the Water Tribe wench is like... 14. So if you think about it... 112 is really old. Hm, maybe if I jump into an ice cube and wake up 100 years later, I can have my own band of Merry Men! AND I CAN PLAY THE ELECTRIC TRIANGLE!

... What's electric?

Love,

Lindsey Lohan

0

Dear Diary,

I tried to explain my theory of electricity to Uncle, but he just stared at me blankly and said, "How could you get lightning to stay inside of a glass ball?" Actually, I don't know. I was hoping I could just go, "STAY IN THAT BALL, YOU WORTHLESS SPARK!" and it would.

Maybe I should dump this and work on my theory of evolution. You see, I think that we were all pecans at one point. Then the sky had a baby, and we crawled out of the Strawberry Pecan Salad that was the Gene Pool.

I'm so freaking smartical.

Love,

Arhat

0

Dear Diary,

I'm a pretty girl...

Love,

Lois

0

Dear Diary,

Maybe if I threw eggs at the Fan Mob they'll go away... I have to do something about them... They keep trying to take strands of my hair... I wonder if the Avatar has fangirls... Ha, that's a laugh. He's so old he can get Medicare and Social Security...

Damn, I need a kitty.

Love,

Zuko the Kitten-less

0

Dear Diary,

YAY! I gots me a KITTY CAT!

I named it Bobby Mofobby Fee Fi Noblobby Bobby. Bobby for short. But, I shall call him Bobby-chan, BECAUSE I'M AZN-4-LYFE YO! Word.

Uncle just LOVES Bobby-chan! He loves him so much, he gave him a big rock as a present! Then he threw him into a pond... It turns out that cats don't like water too much. Who knew?

Love,

Zuko-chan

0

Dear Diary,

Ha. Bet the stuuuupid Avatar doesn't have a kitty. Cuz he's stuuuupid.

Love,

Zuko the not stuuuupid

0

Dear Diary,

Something has to be done. These fangirls are going into a feeding frenzy! I'm not sure how long I (or my virginity) can last!

... What? I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE, DAMMIT!

Love,

Zuko The NOT GAY!

0

Dear Diary,

Tai Li was right. That Water tribe peasant is _kinda cute_...

... I'll admit to being bisexual. _Curious _at the most, you bloodsucking slash harpies.

Damn, I'm glad nobody will ever see this. I can say whatever the hell I want!

... I did not like The Godfather.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I'm really starting to wonder if Uncle means it in a good way when he calls Bobby-chan the "Spawn of Satan." So what if he's lazy eyed, has three legs, patches of fur missing, and yowls a pained yowl every night?

He's an outcast. Just like me...

PAPA, WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME?

(Teardrop),

Zuzu-kun

0

Dear Diary,

My entries keep getting shorter and shorter... Maybe it's time to cry again...

WHY DID AZULA ALWAYS BURN MY DOLLIES? AND MY TOY SOLDIERS? WHY DO THE GOOD DIE YOUNG, BUT DISC JOCKEYS LIVE? HOW THE HELL DID CARROTTOP GET POPULAR? WHO THE HELL DOES PARIS HILTON THINK SHE IS? SHE CAN'T SING FOR HER LIFE!

... HOW DO I KNOW ALL THAT? IS IT THE SUE RADIATION? WHAT'S WITH THE CAPS LOCK?

DAMMIT IT ALL,

ZUKO

0

Dear Diary,

Today I drew a picture of the Water Tribe peasant. It was pretty. I think I have an eye for detail, and that I'm an art God. But when I tried to sell it to this guy, HE SPAT ON IT!

HE FREAKING SPAT ON IT!

SPAT ON IT!

... SPAT ON IT,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I totally killed that bitch from yesterday.

He so had it coming.

Bobby-chan ate his brain.

Yay,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

It turns out that bitch was Lee's brother.

Killed two birds with one stone.

I really hope Lee cries, that Radical Edward/Yahiko wannabe. Then I shall laugh. Laugh the laugh of HAPPINESS!

Dude,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I met up with Song today. Actually, she had turned into a ninja and was after my head. She looked hot in her ninja getup. But, she was trying to get Bobina-dono, my birdie horse. So, I threw Bobby-chan at her.

Tee hee. Shuttlecock.

Tee hee,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair  
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air  
I was born too late and to a world that doesn't POPTARTS!  
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar,  
Not everybody drove a car,  
When music really mattered and when radio was king,  
When accountants didn't have POPTARTS!  
And the media couldn't buy your POPTARTS!  
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with POPTARTS! in my hair  
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air  
I was born too late and to a world that doesn't care  
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When POPTARTS! still remained a myth  
And ignorance could still be bliss  
And when God Saved the Queen she turned a whiter shade of POPTARTS!  
When my mom and dad were in their teens  
and anarchy was still a dream  
and the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the POPTARTS!

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair  
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the POPTARTS!  
I was born too late and to a world that doesn't care  
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair  
When record shops were on top  
and vinyl was all that they POPTARTS!  
and the super info highway was still drifting out in space  
kids were wearing hand me downs,  
and playing games meant kick POPTARTS!  
and footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with POPTARTS! in my hair  
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air  
I was born too late and to a world that doesn't care  
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

I was born too late to a world that doesn't POPTARTS!  
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

... Ok, I'm NEVER GOING TO DRINK TEA AGAIN! I keep singing things that don't exist...

Weeeeird,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

One of the fangirls tried to kiss me today.

Totally kicked her ass.

And who is this "Mary Sue" character? The one with the long pink hair and emerald eyes? Seriously, she won't leave me alone!

DAMMIT, SHE'S ON MY LEG! Sorry for the shortness, I have to go get my spray bottle...

BAD MARY SUE! BAD!

Love,

Zuko


	4. TOPH!

Ziggy: Heh, I suppose people here don't watch Lazytown...  
Ayame: Don't feel bad, Ziggy-chan...  
Ziggy: Everyone reads Fruits Basket...  
Chazz: And Avatar, YuGiOh, Degrassi, and many people play Neopets.  
Ziggy: Thank you so very much, Chazz-san...

Zuko: She doesn't own anything. Wow, I saved a lot of time... I'm off to answer my fan mail! -burns bag of fan mail- I'M ON A ROLL!

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

Today, I threw a rock at this dude, screaming "LOOK AT ME, I'M THE FREAKING AVATAR!" So now I'm bored.

Maybe I should join up with the Avatar. Just to have some fun.

GAH! MY HAND IS ON FIRE! MY HAND IS ON FIRE! CALL THE AMBULANCE! GET A DOCTOR! DOES ANYBODY KNOW CPU?

... Silly me. I'm a firebender. Duh.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

BOBBY-CHAN IS A CRISPY FRENCH FRY!

UNCLE CRISPIED HIM!

Still alive though. Damn, not even lightning will kill this cat!

TRUST ME! Uncle tried many times.

... I think he's trying to exorcize him now... Uh oh... UNCLE, PUT DOWN THE KNIVES! AND STOP WATCHING THE OMEN, DAMMIT!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

The Avatar is an asshole.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I'm the Avatar.

... AND I DON'T HAVE A LISP!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Today I tackled sixteen random men, all the while screaming, "DADDY! DADDY!"

I _don't _have Daddy issues...

_... And I'm NOT GAY!_

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Snooooooooow cone.

Snooooooooow cone.

Zuzu wants a snooooooooow cone.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I WANNA EASTA EGG I WANNA EASTA EGG!

Love,

Zuzu

0

Dear Diary,

(Doodle of Zuko stabbing Aang. Under it is a crudely drawn Sokka and Katara saying, "YAYS! WE ARE TEH SAVED BY TEH GREAT AND POWERFUL FIRE LORD ZUZU!" Under that is a picture of Zhao in a dress and Oazi saying, "My son is the GREATEST!")

Dude, that could TOTALLY happen if I had an Easter Egg and a Snow Cone...

GET ME A COLORFULLY PAINTED EGG AND A FLAVORED ICE SNACK, UNCLE!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Ran into Asshole the Avatar today.

He asked me to join, and that crazy wench was staring at me funny. The peasant seemed to not care, which depressed me.

I suppose I'll join their little group. If only to get closer to the peasant.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

My. Life. Rocks.

WOW, life for them must of been BORING before Toph came! Holy crap, she is HILARIOUS! The way she always brings that wench (Who turns out to be named Katara. Weird.) down, I just...

I think I love her.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

If the Avatar keeps singing "Zuko and Toph sitting in a tree" I WILL KILL HIM!

... Maybe I'll kill him anyways. Then maybe he'll come back as a girl. I like babies. They're so squishy and kyoooot! LIKE A MARSHMALLOW PEEP! I LOVE PEEPS! I mostly like the purple bunnies, but the others are good too.

Zuko don't hate against the Peeps.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I don't wanna be the Avatar no more...

I wanna be... Moondoggie. NOW I SHALL DYE MY HAIR BLONDE AND I SHALL WEAR A SILLY BLUE HAT!

Love,

Moondoggie

(A/N: I loves joo Moondoggie! DOMINIC WILL NEVER TAKE YOUR PLACE IN MY HEART! NEVER EVER!)

0

Dear Diary,

Do Doo Do Get on the bus.

Do Doo Do Get on the bus

... Do Doo Do What's a bus?

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I should be the main character. Everybody loves Zuko, and only sick teenage girls (Meaning The Author) like Aang... I suppose I'll just have to rewrite the story. Why do I have to do everything?

For a thousand eons, the world has been attacked by the evil Avatar Assface and his lover PMS The Bitchy Waterbender.

A smokin' hot twelve year old in a bikini has been sent to find the all mighty Jedi Firebender, Zuko The MIGHTY! This smokin' hot twelve year old (Toph) finds the Jedi, and they must destroy Assface the Avatar before he and PMS take over the world and HALT THE MAKING OF PEEPS!

Tee hee, kibosh.

Love,

Zuko the MIGHTY!

0

Dear Diary,

Not gay.

Love,

Zuko

(End Transmission)

Ok everyone, I'm fresh out of ideas.  
Ziggy: What else is new?  
Yeah... But I could use some help. Do any of my wonderful reviewers have ideas for me?  
Ayame: If so, please contact Mo via PM or email. We'd love to hear from you!  
Chazz: SEND HELP! SHE LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET!  
SILENCE YEOMAN! Now, if you want me to update send me some inspirations! I'm running on empty!  
Ziggy: WHICH IS WHY THIS CHAPTER IS SO SHORT!  
AYAME: HURRY! GO NOW!

And a little poll: Should I:

A. Write another story containing the other character's diaries.

B. Wait for inspiration to hit

C. Eat cheese


	5. BALLS AND NORRIS!

I -had- wanted to do Sokka...  
Ziggy: -sigh- I guess we're stuck with Katara next...  
Zuko: -mutters- Raging bitch-cow...  
No, that's Elizabeth. GET IT RIGHT! -smacks Zuko-  
Zuko: ... Ow.

Rick: Zuko's in intensive care right now... I think Mo sat on him or something... Not quite sure... But, he told me that it was my duty as his love slave to DO THE DISCLAIMER!  
Ayame: -files nails- Get on with it, drama queen.  
Rick: SHE DOES NOT OWN ANYTHING! HA HA HA! -dances-  
Ayame: ... I'll go get your pills...

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

Once again, I am no longer Zuko.

I am... RUFIO! THE PIRATE! ARR! FEAR ME AND MY EVIL CREW OF PANDAS!

Ph33r mah 133t skillz, n00b! Lmao, pwned!

Love,

Rufio

0

Dear Diary,

Today, I totally threw a rock at the Water Tribe wench.

Then I totally blamed Toph.

Then they totally kicked my ass.

Love,

Rufio

0

Dear Diary,

Today, Bobby-chan jumped off a cliff.

Well... That's what Uncle said. Though I'm not sure Bobby-chan could write a suicide note, let alone write. Ya know, with his lack of fingers and such.

Hm, snausages.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

MY KITTY CAME HOME!

Told ya, you could smack his head in with a two-by-four and HE'D STILL BE ALIVE!

... What's a two-by-four?

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I should have joined the Avatar ages ago.

Damn, why am I so dumb? GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL! Duh.

Ok... I'm gonna go get me some FRIED CHICKEN N' BISCUITS!

... WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THINGS THAT DO NOT EXIST? WHY?

Love,

Me

0

Dear Diary,

Fear me and the MILLENNIUM SPATULA! And once I use all seven dragon balls (Which still sounds hella disturbing) to save Hyrule and the smokin' hot Zelda from Alfred E. Newman on a tricycle with his evil snakes on a plane!

ENGLISH, MOTHER TRUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Toph, Toph,  
Give me your answer do!  
I'm half crazy,  
All for the love of you!  
It won't be a stylish marriage,  
I can't afford a carriage  
But you'll look sweet upon the seat  
Of a bicycle built for two.

... A musical is starting to sound mighty good right now...

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I WANT MY OWN PERSONAL MARCHING BAND!

If Ganondorf can have one, why can't I? WHY? I'm pretty... I'm a very pretty boy! Damn, I could get a job in shojo mangas, I'm so pretty! Eat your heart out, Yuki Sohma. I'm the real Prince here!

Hm, I will now force all my fangirls to draw stunning pictures of me. DO IT NOW, SLAVES!

I will now go play my emo violin. Good day to you, sir.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

So I was like, "Wow, maybe the Pong ball is all powerful!" Then I started to laugh.

Then Sokka said, "Uh no! Chuck Norris is almighty, duh! You know that, ya idiot!" Then he threw corn at me.

Then Toph said, "What was in those brownies? I just thought it was mint, but maybe it wasn't..."

Then we all said, "HASHISH!" And fell out of the tree. Ow, my spleen hurts...

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

No, Sokka. I'm not going to stick my hand into a bear trap again. I'm still sewing it back on, and the little Water wench refuses to heal me because I tried to brand the Avatar with a piece of hot coal. IT WAS A FREAKING JOKE! Even the Avatar laughed!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Chicks dig burn victims. I was doing the runt a FAVOR! Hell, everyone should have a giant scar on their face. Makes ya sexy.

I should write a book! People need to know how to be sexy! And oh so many people need it desperately. If he was still alive, I'd give it to Zhao. Then he'd be sexy. Not as sexy as me, but still sexy in a strange, perverted way.

Well, he'd be less Lucius sexy and more... Robbie Rotten sexy. Less Draco, more Amnael. Less Peter Pan, more Hook. Less Bender, more Brian. Less Sasuke, more Naruto.

Do I make my self clear? Do I freaking make myself clear, you simpleminded anime fanbrats?

No Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I'm a goofy goober, bitch.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Is it wrong for a man to love a 12 year-old girl? Cuz if it is, I do not wanna be right! Screw Song, screw Mai, and screw Tai Li! Toph is the only girl for Zuko! Our personalities mesh together so wonderfully, it's really weird that people still insist on me bedding the Water wench.

Once again, ew.

I'd sleep with _Zhao_, even my own sister before her!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

And now on a somber note:

My Uncle said that one of his close friends, a man named Mako, died only a short while ago. Though I did not know this man personally, my prayers are with him. He led a long life, did great things, and is in a far better place now.

Love,

Zuko

(End Transmission)

Yes, I added in a little tribute to the great, late Mako Iwamatsu.  
Ayame: On behalf of all the Supermuses,  
Ziggy: Our prayers are with him.

But now onto a slightly happier note, I have a job for you, my great reviewers!

You see, I have two story ideas that I'd like to preview, just to see the reactions of my readers.

The first is a storybased off my favorite video game, The Movies. It'll be Kataang with a bit of Zutara (I know, shocker). It will also be AU, and will take place in the early 1900's in a little town called Hollywood.

The other is a musical, kindly dubbed, "Avatard: The Last Musical." Clever, eh? It will be a parody of the series, NOT IN SCRIPT FORM, and will probably contain a tapdancing Zuko.

Thumbs up, or down?

Till then, so lang meine Freunde!


	6. TEH L33T SKILLZ!

Well, got my first flame.  
Ziggy: -pats hand- There, there, it'll all be ok.  
Ayame: I'm going to write him an absolutely SCATHING letter!  
Chazz: I'm going to go eat some dip...

Zuko: NOTHING! NOTHING! SHE OWNS NOOOOOOOOOOTHING!  
Rick: I think this job is getting to you...

Ziggy: ... LOOK I'M IN THE STORY TOO, ZUZU-KUN!  
Zuko: ... I hate you, Sensei.  
I try.

(Begin Transmission)

MY BIG TO-DO LIST:

1. Eat some jell-O.

2. Rename myself again.

3. Teach some cats to tapdance.

4. Take my happy pills.

5. Punch Katara.

6. Laugh at her pain.

7. Write some angsty emo poetry for Toph.

8. Learn how to ice-skate.

9. Dance like there is no tomorrow!

10. Burn all my fanmail.

11. Hijack a plane.

12. Teach all the children in the world how to sing.

13. Stop being such a fag.

14. Cry and whine about various daddy issues.

15. Attempt suicide.

16. Lean how to make some fucking tea.

17. Do Doo Do, Get On The Fucking Bus.

18. Think up some more to-dos

19. Eat spam.

20. Kick the authoress' ass.

The scene changes to Zuko sitting on a sofa surrounded by little children, flipping through a book. "Hey kids, look what I found!"

"Porn?" a little blonde boy asked, sitting on Zuko's shoulders.

"Not even close, you retard! It's my old season one diary!"

"... You are a fag, Zuzu-kun."

"SILENCE, _CHIBI-SAN_!"

Dear Diary,

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!1

I CAUGHT TEH AVATAR!

OMG L33T AVATAR CATCHING SKILLZ!

Ok, so I was all like "ROAAAAAR!", and they were all like, "OH PLEASE SPARE US LORD ZUKO!" and I was all like, "Hell naw, go make me a sandwich, bitch!"

OMG TEH AVATAR IS TEH KYOOT! LMAO JK JK!

... NO WAIIIIIII FLYING BISON! BRB LOL!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Stupid fucking dumb bitch slut whore tramp transvestite prostitute piece of shit!

... And I hate the Avatar too.

Dumb little Water Tribe cunt.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I JUST OWNED ZHAO!

FUCK YEAH!

NEVER FUCKING DOUBT MY MIGHTY POWERS OF AWESOME! NEVER! DOUBT! ME! Uncle did, and now he's fifty gold pieces poorer.

Karma, bitch. I'll get my rewards in the end.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Today I found a really pretty necklace. It will go great with that sweater Uncle got me for Christmas.

But, it looks like what that icky girl was wearing. Dood, she's like MARRIED and shit! I'm never going to get married. I'm just gonna slam some ho's till a baby pops out.

Hells yeah. Hells yeah.

Pimp!Zuko TO DA MAX!

Love,

Pimp Daddy Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Zhao is such a fucking vagina. A horrible, STD-covered vagina.

The Avatar's a vagina, too. He's totally a woman. You know, those Airbenders did promote homosexual practices...

They also practiced bestiality. Ew. ICKY, ICKY, ICKY!

Glad they're all dead...

On a final note: EWWWWWW!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Stupid pirates. I hate them. Because they're stupid.

... Fuck, I hate lotuses... Lotusi...

All in all: Lotuses are teh suck. Pirates are teh suck. Princes are teh win.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I have often thought about my future as I sat on my bed, topless and covered in honey. Sometimes I have horrible nightmares. In my nightmares, I cut off my hair and stopped bathing. Oh, it was horrible. If I ever stop bathing, I'll have to kill myself.

Ew, dirt. I hate dirt. It's so... Manly. I DO NOT WISH TO SMELL MANLY! I WANT TO SMELL LIKE INCENSE AND FRUIT FOREVAH!

... FOREVAH!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Good night my angel now it's time to sleep  
And still so many things I want to say  
Remember all the songs you sang for me  
When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean  
I'm rocking you to sleep  
The water's dark and deep  
Inside this ancient heart  
You'll always be a part of me

If I ever have kids, I'm naming them Chicken and Biscuits. Their middle names will be Kentucky and Gravy. And then I shall eat them.

Yay cannibalism.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

I wish I had a taco. Like, I totally want a taco. Yes, a taco would be good right now.

Go get me a taco, you bitch.

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Tai Li always said that she had a pink aura.

My aura is black. Like death. It's a very Gothic Emo Aura. It likes ham biscuits.

... What the Ferdinand is a ham biscuit? I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST!

... NOT GAY!

Love,

Zuko

0

Dear Diary,

Oh ho, ghost of Magellan! I hope I don't fuck up and get killed by some peasant like YOUUUUUUUUU!

... I will now be more wary about the Water Tribe Wonder Twins.

Love,

Zuko

Zuko snapped the book shut. "And that is where our story ends, my friends!" he sighed.

Ziggy frowned. "Will there ever be more of this wonderful story?" he asked.

"Sadly, no. But, Sensei will continue to write more diaries of the other characters!"

Zuko stood and bowed. "Well, I hope you've enjoyed this merry little trip into the mind of CATMAN!111one. See you next time!" He started waving frantically.

"... Who the hell are you waving to?"

"Shut up."

FIN

"NOT GAY!"


	7. TEH LOST CHAPTER!

OMG LOST CHAPTER!  
Zuko: You are the BIGGEST attention whore...  
But my story is medicinal.  
Zuko: Whore!  
SILENCE! -tackles-  
Zuko: STOP IT! YOU'RE GIVING ME YOUR WHORE GERMS!

Ziggy: ... She owns nothing. She is nothing. She doesn't exist.  
Ayame: Ooh, paradox.  
Ziggy: ... Not really.  
Ayame: Irony?  
Ziggy: ...  
Ayame: No?

(Begin Transmission)

One day, Zuko popped out of a bush.

"OMG PH33R ME, NOOB!" he shouted at the passerby. One of them happened to be Aang.

"... Do I wanna know?" he asked. Suddenly, he was attacked by a lazy-eyed, three-legged cat that had patches of fur missing. It scratched his face, giving him face herpes. And let me tell you, face herpes is NOT PRETTY!

Zuko paused and scratched the back of his head with a fork. "Ya know, I came all this way to stab you..."

"OH MY... MY FACE IS MELTING! MY FACE IS MELTING OFF!"

"But... I think I'll just join you and your band of merry men..."

"SOMEONE, PLEASE KILL ME!"

He clapped and smiled. "And then we shall have zany pimp adventures." he sighed happily.

"Katara... Be my mercy angel..."

Zuko stared down at Aang. "Did you know that you have face herpes? Yeah... You might wanna get that checked out..." he said. He did a backflip and skipped merrily away.

"... Why won't I die?" Bobby-chan ate his ear.

0

Aang went through many painful minutes of reconstructive surgery. It changed him forever... He suddenly loved vanilla pudding. Such a bold change in personality and spirit.

Everyone sat around a fire, dancing and singing demonic chants. Bobby-chan accidentally walked into the fire, as his pained and terrified screams filled the valley. Everyone laughed.

Zuko smiled at Toph. "You're sexy.." he chuckled. She responded by burying him under seventy feet of dirt.

He dug his way out using his old retainer and smiled. "How would you like to join the Brothel of Zuko?" Another seventy feet of dirt.

Aang raised an eyebrow. "... Does this mean that lawyers and the Easter Cookie don't exist no mores?"

Toph suddenly became very scary. "Every time an older man tries to solicit a young lady, an angel goes Emo. DID YOU HEAR THAT, PRINCESS?" Muffled screams of terror were heard. Everyone laughed. Even Zuko, who then went back to screaming.

0

The rest of their days were spent eating weed brownies, giving people face herpes, and having hawt smex. Then, the day of the great battle against the Fire Nation finally came all over the teens.

Aang went into a panic. "But... But we don't know what the secret of the Fire Nation is!" he screamed, running in tiny little circles.

Zuko laughed. "That's easy." He ripped off his face, revealing his true identity.

"... YOU'RE A CAN OF SPRITE!"

The Can Of Sprite Formally Known As Zuko © fell on its side and began rolling into the Fire Nation palace. The capital burned and collapsed around them, and nobody seemed to care that a little can was rolling right up next to the Fire Lord.

"Ooh, a refreshing can of Sprite! Just what an evil dictator needs to quench his thirst!" Ozai opened the can, only to have it spray its contents all over him. His fire... Went out.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! I'M MELTING, MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! BUY BONDS! FREE TIBET! DUMBLEDORE DIES! AKITO IS A GIRL! BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS! I'M Dyiiiiiiiiiiing..." Only a pencil and an empty can of sprite remained.

Toph picked up the can and held it to her heart. "He... He gave his life to save us all from ten thousand years of being raped up the ass... I loved him... I BORE HIM A SON!" she cried. The others, who honestly didn't care, wandered off to watch the destruction.

When everyone left, Toph grinned. She tipped her head back and drank the last bit of soda. "And a baby makes four, my love..." she sighed, walking off with a hand on her stomach.

0

"Zuko? Zuko, wake up!"

Zuko woke up in his room at the Supermuse Mansion. Ziggy was staring at him, fear in his eyes. "Oh Zuzu-kun! You were having a horrible nightmare!" he cried.

The teen held his head. "You mean... The diary... The Sprite... Chuck Norris... It was all a dream? A horrible but wonderfully sexy dream?" he asked. Ziggy nodded.

"... Why are you in my bed?"

"My other bed is full of hookers and crack."

"... Pass the pillows, please."

Fin (Really!)

The Can Of Sprite Formally Known As Zuko ©


	8. SEX IN THE CLOSET!

I leave for a little bit to write my own, original stories and suddenly this fandom goes to the dogs?  
Ziggy: It's about gay superheroes.  
Everywhere I look there's horrible OC's and self insert fantasies! AND ALL OF THEM HAVE THE WORDS DARK, BLOOD, OR DEATHY DEATH DEATH IN THE GODDAMN TITLE!  
Ziggy: There's a lot of rape. Not as much as one would expect, but enough.  
-sigh- ... And that's why I'm writing another chapter. Not because of the fame and love I so desperately crave. But because I love this fandom so much, and it pains me to see her bleed.  
Ziggy: Nobody cares about your whining. GET BACK TO THE PORN, CHILD!

Zuko: Tch. She actually thinks her book will be published.  
Rick: I think it will be.  
Zuko: It's a bunch of nerdy 4chan/Superman/yaoi fangirl inside jokes! Nobody with a brain will read it!  
Rick: It's got gay sex and a man named Clex. I'll read it.  
Zuko: Yeah, I will too... She should stick to writing fanfic though. Least she has a fanbase with something she doesn't own.

Wow, been a while... Well, 8th grade is over now. I'm officially a high school girl. It's a good feeling, to know that in a few short years I'll be a coed. Yaaaay sex.

(Begin Transmission)

Dear Diary,

Where the fuck have I been? WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN?

Seriously, the last thing I remember was that emo session on top of the mountain! Uncle said that the lightning fried my brain real good and I've been in and out of a coma for the last few months. I asked him about the Avatar and his friends. He said it's all because of the deus ex machine, whatever that is, and the toad. Toad, man.

But now everything's cool. We were surrounded by hot, mostly shirtless bounty hunters today. I think they were called the Altos or something. Well, we kicked there asses soundly... I DID! MY UNCLE IS NOT THE ONLY BADASS!

I HATE THIS FAMILY!

FUCK,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear WFI, 

Where the fuck is my porn?

FUCK,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Hm, I like smoothies. I would of gotten one if Uncle didn't have to play Pai Sho with every Tama, Dai, and Hiroshi. Like a whore.

OMFG those two gay guys are attacking us brb lol!

Love,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Isn't a white lotus like a vagina?

Tch, yeah. Like I would know, right?

I can't believe I have to wait outside like a woman! They're probably in there having gay sex orgies or eating refreshments AND I'M MAD BECAUSE I'M NOT INVITED!

I WANT TO HAVE A TEA PARTY TOO, AZULA! I... I... I'm sleepy...

Zzzz,  
Zzzzzzuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

YAY! I'm going to Ba Sing Se with my FAVORITE UNCLE EVAH! I'm not quite sure how... But I'm sure it'll be fun and clean and–

... No fucking way am I getting in that flower pot.

No. Fucking. Way.

DUDE, IT'S ICKY AND SHIT IN THERE!

I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

... FINE! But only if we can go to McDonald's afterwards!

Mm, sweet tea,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

I like boats. Especially men on boats. Men on boats do silly things.

There's this one guy on the boat that's really silly. His name is Jet, which is an anachronism because we don't have those silly flying machines. He has poofy hair, like a silly clown. He has a mannequin and a troll following him around, which is silly. We stole food, which was also silly.

Then we fucked like werebunnies in a utility closet.

Which is silly.

Silly,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Jet is a whiny bitch.

I mean, it was just a fuck. But he's talking about a relationship and shit. Bitch, that ain't how I roll. I told y'all before: I'm just gonna bang some hoes until a baby pops out. Cuz that's how Pimp Daddy Zuzu Rolls, baby.

Now he's being all whiny and bitchy and getting all under my grill and shit. Calling me out and shit. Calling Uncle a firebender and shit. Going all crazy and shit.

And shit.

Love,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Kill me.

I'm working at a fucking Starbucks.

Kill Me,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Uncle's tea is really popular. I think it's because of all the MSG.

Yay additives,  
Zuko

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Jet went off the FO DIZZLE tonight!

For reals! First he was all like, "You're a firebender! You're a firebender! I had two daddies!" And everyone else was all like, "... Dude, wtf? We just want our tea." But he went on and was all like, "Dude! I'll prove my shit be true!" And then he ATTACKED me with his PENIS STICKS! LIKE HE'S FUCKING KABAL OR SOMETHING!

Well, I can have him messing with my rep, so I pulled out some swords and DID A BIT OF FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY!

... That line was not very gangsta.

... Whatevs.

Anyway, so then the Gay Mafia came up and dragged him away, presumably to be raped by a guy named Steelz or Dirty Dan or Fluffles or something.

DON'T DROP THE SOAP, BABY!

Love,  
Zuko

P.S.: I'm pregnant.

(End Transmission)

Well... I wrote that quickly... But, I want to have an entire chapter devoted to Jin's breasts.  
Ziggy: You're still not a lesbian.  
Dammit! Ah well, I still have my reviews! They're really my pride and joy, guys! I love every one of you that reads this sorry excuse for a fanfic! CoughandIhopeyouguyswillmakeanattempttohelpmeinmywritingcareercough  
Ziggy: Finish the book first, Steven King.  
It's almost done!... Making me feel bad...

Zuko: Tune in next update for Jin's boobs, Jin's boobs, Jin's boobs, and my slow decent into insanity!  
Rick: See you real soon!

-both wave-

Zuko: ... Who are we talking to?  
Rick: Just keep waving...


End file.
